The joy and generosity of living authentically
Hello my friend, I hope you are well :)
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the joy and generosity of living authentically.
Does your joy come from within or from fitting in? Have you ever been made to feel like being or expressing yourself was somehow selfish or self indulgent?
Let’s flip that script…
The Joy of Authenticity
Living more authentically is generous, but it is also a path of personal joy! Staying true to yourself invites confidence, self awareness, empowerment and joy into your daily life. It’s easier to deal with the ups and downs of life if you are comfortable being yourself - which takes some practice.
In the past, I have found myself ‘enjoying’ things that didn’t really give me joy. One example is from before I came out and started living authentically as a queer person. Living in the closet required constant performance. The strange part was that although being closeted was painful and not a sustainable way to live, I was pacified by the short-lived ‘joy’ of fitting in.
When I acted in ways that helped me fit in or achieved things that aligned to other peoples core values, I was instantly validated with approval and adulation.
If I acted and presented masculine enough
If I studied the bible and strived to be a good christian
If I pursued a wife and hoped for children
if I had a job deemed respectable by my family
if I voiced opinions similar to my peers
I would win approval, praise and ‘joy’.
I had been led to believe that living authentically or expressing my true self was selfish, self indulgent and potentially threatened my safe position within my family, religious community and wider society.
When I presented strong and masculine, I experienced the ‘joy’ of safety and compliments.
When I tried to aligned to the path expected from me, I hoped for the ‘joy’ of a good life.
…but it wasn’t. I may have had safety, security, acceptance, community - but the joy was not true or deep. It took me until my 30s to discover true, deep joy comes from authenticity. And this deep joy surpasses the freedom or security of fitting in.
With courage, living more and more authentically brings me closer to joy. It may mean less people ‘understand’ me. It may mean I experience discrimination for my differences, my queerness or my appearance. But, the treasure of pursuing authenticity is personal inner freedom - and the people and opportunities this started to invite into my life…
Generous Authenticity
Living authentically is a generous act. It encourages others to be authentic. By being yourself, you invite others to be themselves. By sharing your vulnerability, you give others permission to be vulnerable.
It’s when both parties are vulnerable, the real magic of unity and peace occurs.
This does mean that some people will not get on board with you, or at worse dislike or reject you. But this only makes space for the things or people that you can connect with and share deeper joy with.
It’s very easy to fall into the habit of performing to fit in. To maintain peace, keep ourselves safe or to get our own way.
There’s a time and place for performance, of course! Good manners or cultural protocols can be an unauthentic performance that is generous, helpful or necessary. But day-to-day, especially when interacting with others on a more personal level, performance can perpetuate an unwritten rule that everyone involved must keep up a similar performance that isn’t necessarily useful.
When you stop performing, and get real - something special happens! Not only do you release yourself from the pressure to make yourself more acceptable, but you also invite those around you to also drop their guard and be more open about themselves and their needs.
This exchange brings a whole world of potential learning and growth.
It takes COURAGE!
Authentic Living
But what does it mean to live authentically? This is far from comprehensive, but here are some thoughts on what living authentically could look like:
Courageously carving your own path, respecting the landscape and the freedom of others.
Staying true to your core values, with your goals and actions
Not allowing fear or pressure to steer you from your core purpose
Pursuing what gives you joy and contentment.
Expressing yourself in a way that brings your invisible self to the visible world
Being honest with yourself and others
Holding yourself accountable
Alongside this list, I feel it’s so important to also remember that you cannot be defined and are constantly evolving and growing through experiences. Because of this, your core values do not have to be set in stone. You can hold fast to your core values and authentic self, but also be open minded to learning and changing your values with experience over time. Being authentic is not the same as being dogmatic… this is perhaps when living authentically can become more self-centred.
Left: The Lovers from the Rider–Waite tarot deck. Right: The Lovers from the Transient Light Tarot deck.
It reminds me of Pamela Coleman Smith’s illustration for the RWS tarot card, The Lovers. The card depicts a couple, standing naked together before an angel - reminiscent of the Adam and Eve story. The card is all about harmonious connection and union. This harmony and union between two unique people was achieved by their ability to be vulnerable or naked before each other. When designing The Lovers card for my own deck, the Transient Light Tarot, I used a locket to show how harmony is not achieved through becoming the same, but by connecting two parts, which remain individually unique.
It takes courage. There is never a guarantee that everyone you meet will respond openly, and neither can we insist on it. But the idea on a broader scale rings true. The more authentically we live, the more we allow our story to contribute to others and welcome their stories to contribute to ours. This is courageous vulnerability. Being ‘vulnerable’ in this way actually requires more strength than to withhold ourselves.
My journey (or attempt!) to live more authentically is ongoing - we humans are far from perfect! As a queer person, I still sometimes perform for ease or for personal safety in some circumstances. But this is fine. Living authentically is about getting closer to your own purpose, joy and making a safe space for others. This doesn’t mean you have to share everything. In fact, it’s healthy and beneficial to keep some things for yourself. No one needs to be courageous or defiant at all times and only YOU decide how much of yourself you share.
What do you think? How can we foster a more authentic approach? How has staying true brought you closer to your goals or to joy?
Much warmth,
Ari x
